The Jon Venture

I think I’ve subconsciously been opposing writing about a videogame that dared tackle Alighieri’s La Divina Commedia because of the respect I have for the source material. Loosely based on part of the classic allegorical poem that has influenced the world for seven centuries, EA and Visceral Games is poised to release Dante’s Inferno on Xbox 360, PS3, and PSP on February 9^th in North America. Honestly, I don’t know what to make of the whole situation. Even though the story for this third person action adventure epic was written by Will Rokos of Monster’s Ball fame, there are so many things that could go wrong with Dante’s Inferno that I cannot outright cheer for it as if my opinion was bought while writing for a mainstream fanboy gaming website. I can only take into account what I experienced in the demo, the videos I’ve seen online, and the rightful hesitance of playing the newest God of War clone to hit home consoles. I find myself almost in disbelief that the medium has come this far, yet titles like Brutal Legend and Mass Effect 2 have proven that the proper amount of polish can drive the sales of any interactive glorified storybook. Harsh? Yes, but I’d rather be weary than fooled by EA’s hype machine. Again.

Dante’s Inferno follows the titular character as a knight (not a poet) during the Crusades who must rescue the soul of his beloved Beatrice from Lucifer. Dante’s got it a bit tougher than Super Mario, because his “princess” is not in another castle- she’s deep within the ninth Circle of Hell and Lucifer himself has plans of marrying her in order to storm Heaven and the Almighty. Having to confront the innocent souls he’s slaughtered while in service, the sins committed during his times of weakness, and the dark truth of his family’s fate, Dante will need nothing less than Holy power to literally face his demons. The story behind Dante’s Inferno can rightfully be referred to as epic, but there’s not much that separates “epic” from “epic fail”. The difference lies in the tools used to get the job done.

Part of the prerelease criticism, and the strength, behind the gameplay in Dante’s Inferno are its similarities to a certain Sony Spartan also making a console appearance this year. Rather than the Blades of Athena, Dante will be using Death’s scythe to carve a path through Hell. Beyond beating Death in an afterschool fight by the flagpole and taking his toy, Dante will also be employing a cross given to him by Beatrice to slay countless hellish minions. Beatrice’s cross is said to be an heirloom containing a thorn from Jesus’ crown, and is capable of absolving the souls of the damned. The cross will be Dante’s means of using magic, the scythe his choice in hack-n-slash hardware, and both will be used to collect souls that can increase his skills and add combos to the mix. Hell, Dante will even be riding beasts as Kratos did, but I’m not sure whose dominion over beasts is more impressive. Either way, Dante’s Inferno is set for an ambitious outing that too closely resembles an already successful gaming franchise not to garner comparisons even before its official North American release.

With a release scheduled to coincide with the highly anticipated Bioshock 2 on February 9^th, it will be interesting to see just how well Dante’s Inferno performs under pressure. There are scores of gamers who have yet to play the recently released Mass Effect 2 or Darksiders, and many gamers are already committed to spending their hard earned cash on said Bioshock 2 or the upcoming Battlefield: Bad Company 2. Each of those marquee titles have enough influence to sway a season’s sales in their direction, and I’ve not even brought up the armies still at war on Modern Warfare 2 nightly that could cause gamers to completely ignore Dante’s Inferno. I truly hope that Dante’s Inferno does well, and I will definitely be picking up a copy, but not without the knowledge that it might blow up in my face like the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch. Beware the EA hype machine powered by fake protests and Super Bowl commercials, because no one will absolve your sins (or give you a full refund) if Dante’s Inferno ends up in the clearance bin on launch day in Hell’s GameStop.

Office DisOrders is an Xbox Live Indie Game released on January 19^th by Moment Games for 80 Microsoft Points. Created by former talents at Maxis, THQ, and Lucas Arts, Office DisOrders is an office simulator birthed out of the frustration of menial tasks in the corporate world. Gamers play as the young intern Jennifer, whose outlook and attitude is declining as she deals with mundane office tasks at Incomputech- making copies, checking email, and trying her best not to quit. Think of the monotony (not the comedic writing) in an episode of television’s The Office played out by blocky characters found in Katamari Damacy and you’ve got the basis of Office DisOrders.

Intended to be a satirical look at the everyday happenings of working at an office, Office DisOrders unfortunately drags on as bad as the daily cubical hell it makes fun of. I can understand how an independent studio wouldn’t have the tools for the latest in graphical rendering software, but I was willing to overlook those shortcomings in an exchange for witty humor or a deeply sarcastic undertone. What I got was pointless banter between characters, an argument involving monkeys (not actual monkeys, which would have helped), and bad imitations of Darth Vader and Dracula. Office DisOrders suffers from dated humor and graphics, even by independent game standards, which is not helped by the gameplay.

Office DisOrders takes place over a five day work week in-game, roughly translating to a just a few hours of actual gameplay. While tasks are being completed, gamers also need to eat, drink, take power naps, and use the restroom in order to keep the stress meter on the right side of the screen from filling up. If you’re wondering, there’s no epic animation when the meter fills up either, just a simple walkout. All office tasks and personal activities are completed through dialogue bubbles and a simple interface, but the game’s slow pacing makes everything feel like a chore. As much as I would love to recommend this game, even for the current price of a wristband for your Xbox Live avatar to wear, Office DisOrders could have used a bit more polish before hitting the marketplace. Maybe someone missed a memo.

There are times in life that extremely difficult, mind numbing choices need to be made. Will you have bacon or sausage with your Smiley Face pancakes? Take the blue pill and end the story, or take the red pill and stay in Wonderland? Do you prefer the beloved Keyboard Cat… or hardcore newcomer Death Metal Rooster?

In an internet meme showdown more epic than the Star Wars Kid facing off against the Technoviking in the back alley of a liquor store, I present to you the following choice:

Keyboard Cat

-OR-

Death Metal Rooster?

The fate of the known universe is in your hands. Justify your choice in a comment below, Keyboard Cat or Death Metal Rooster, and the most convincing argument will win an Xbox Live 1600 Point Card. By convincing, of course, I mean ridiculously funny.

…

…

…

What, not enough points for you? Fine.

The best original Keyboard Cat VS Death Metal Rooster video submitted to jon@sfx-360.com will also win an Xbox Live 1600 Point Card.

That’s a total of 3200 Xbox Live Microsoft Points awarded to decide the fate of the universe.

Contest ends Monday, January 18^th, 2010 at 5 pm EST.

Keyboard Cat VS Death Metal Rooster is on.

2008’s No More Heroes for the Nintendo Wii was a guilty pleasure. Having never played a game designed by Goichi “Suda 51” Suda before, his tongue-in-cheek humor and social commentary was an incredible foundation for a fun and graphic hack and slash action game on a family console. No More Heores had moderate overall yet lackluster initial sales in both Japan and the US though, possibly because the hardcore crowd had since lost faith in the Wii; when both you and a slew of aging baby boomers are the target audience for a gaming system, the crowd not clutching a branded yoga mat usually falls to the wayside. To everyone who has remained faithful, to all gamers who still support their magic Nintendo box with hopes of an incredible gaming experience, No More Heroes 2: Desperate Struggle will be arriving on January 26, 2010.

No “Desperate Struggle” jab will be taken here at the Nintendo Wii’s software lineup- way too easy.

For the gamers who were unfortunate enough to not play the first NMH, the game stars super otaku Travis Touchdown as he climbs the ranks of the United Assassins Association in Santa Destroy, California. The original game was similar to Tarantino’s Kill Bill film series in its sequenced pacing and outrageous bloody action, and Desperate Struggle looks to follow the same formula again in Santa Destroy while also adding Kill Bill’s theme of revenge. If that wasn’t enough to get you dusting off your Wii, then Travis’ beam katanas will. In addition to the standard beam katana from the first title and a yet unannounced variant, Travis will also be dual wielding beam katanas and swinging a Giant Beam Katana for longer range slashes. No, they’re not the trademarked lightsabers you’re thinking of. Lightsabers run on crystals, while beam katanas run on batteries and are much more satisfying to charge… and I just realized that series of references is probably why I had so much time to play the first No More Heroes in the first place. I think I just had a FML moment.

If Travis Touchdown’s sword slashing and exploder suplex antics still aren’t enough for you, then you might be interested in the other two characters playable in Desperate Struggle: Henry and Shinobu. Travis’ twin brother Henry returns from the first NMH, this time as a playable character, to continue their rivalry storyline which had not concluded during their last bout. Scarlet “Shinobu” Jacobs, the youngest assassin in the UAA, returns to Desperate Struggle as well after being spared by Travis the last time around. Spared, but wounded; Shinobu’s hand, which had been sliced off, now dons a black glove similar to Luke Skywalker’s from Episodes V and VI. Though both Henry and Shinobu are not playable at all times during the new game, their sequences offer a welcome change to the lineup and potential to expand the storyline from other assassins making their way up the ranks of the UAA. By the way, I know I threw in another Star Wars reference back there. Please be gentle.

New weapons, new playable characters, improved physics and enemy A.I., and an overhauled control scheme for Travis’ bike will all be included in No More Heroes 2: Desperate Struggle. Add those features to a refined game world and new fully 8-bit sidequests and all the components for a successful release are in place. Considering that the majority of gamers I know no longer own a Nintendo Wii, Desperate Struggle will validate my decision to keep from trading the system in last year after the release of New Super Mario Bros. Wii. Desperate Struggle will receive renewed attention after the port of the first game in the series (to be titled No More Heroes: Heroes’ Paradise on the Xbox 360 and PS3) is released in February, but hopefully the full-fledged sequel will garner enough sales to keep the city of Santa Destroy alive and well in the mind of Suda 51. Alive as it can be, for a city full of cell shaded sex crazed assassins with beam katanas. The Wii will have at least one more hero this year when No More Heroes 2: Desperate Struggle is released on January 26, 2010.

WARNING: This trailer contains explicit content and is not suitable for anyone under 18. Definitely going to watch it now, right? Still, you’ve been warned.

On Saturday, January 9, 2010, SFX-360.com will be hosting yet another All-Nighter gaming event on Xbox Live, this time taking place in the role-playing shooter Borderlands. 2K Games and Gearbox Software has melded together the fast-paced action found in a marquee first person shooter with the progressive growth and addictive looting of an RPG to create one of the best new games in recent memory, and a favorite among the SFX-360.com community and staff members.

In Borderlands, gamers play as one of four mercenaries in search of the legendary Vault, where vast riches supposedly wait for those brave enough to find it. Since the initial release of Borderlands in October 2009, two sets of downloadable content have also been released: The Zombie Island of Dr. Ned and Mad Moxxi’s Underdome Riot. Zombie Island brings together the humor and style of the core Borderlands experience back from the dead as the questionable practices of a doctor corrupt an entire island full of workers for the Jakobs weapon manufacturing company. Mad Moxxi’s Underdome Riot introduces more storage spaces and a brand new horde mode to Borderlands, as progressive waves of enemies and constantly changing combat rules beat down on gamers.

Sound like a fun time to you?

If your answer is “Yes, I would love to become a moving scratching post for blood thirsty bandits and monsters!”, then you have serious issues to be resolved. You’re also exactly what we’re looking for in a mercenary- slightly mad and trigger happy. If this will be your first venture into Borderlands, you might be hesitant to jump to the frontlines. No worries, as we’ve compiled some tips for novice Vault hunters:

1. Don’t forget your undies.

Basic rule for every game, but you’d be surprised how many would-be adventurers forget the simplest of things. Make sure you have enough ammunition and recovery items in your inventory each session, as you will become a paperweight if you can’t take down enemies with the rest of your party. Certain class mods in Borderlands provide ammo and health regeneration, so make sure you have one just in case. Shields can also provide health regeneration in addition to their extra defensive bonus. Going commando may help in certain situations, but Borderlands isn’t one of them.

2. That’s not a knife. This is a knife.

Don’t forget your weapons in the first place. In general, carrying one of each weapon type is recommended as different situations favor the use of different weapons. It doesn’t matter if your weapon proficiency in sub-machine guns is at zero; a Combustion Hellfire has saved many a struggling party. In the second dlc for Borderlands, Mad Moxxi’s Underdome Riot, Moxxi’s Maxims in between waves make certain weapons less effective than others, so I recommend keeping that combat rifle in your backpack even if it is still in the shrink wrap. Also, mistaking someone as a thief when you actually left your favorite corrosive shotgun in your storage bank disrupts the game. Don’t be rude and get yourself shown up, or simply kicked.

3. Paper, Rock, Scissors, Lizard, Spock.

You’ve known the rules since grade school, and the same concepts apply in Borderlands. There are four elemental weapon types aside from standard bullet damage from guns: fire, electric, corrosive, and explosive. Fire is effective against enemies without shields, primarily skags and bandits. Electric weapons are effective in removing enemies’ shields quickly, as with the Eridian alien race. Corrosive weapons work great against baddies with heavy armor, including the Crimson Lance soldiers, Alpha Skags, and a majority of the Spiderants. Explosive weapons are effective against enemies in groups, as the splash damage from an explosion can cause damage to other targets besides the one you aimed at. Also, if you see an enemy charging at you that is already on fire, your fire weapons will actually be ticking him. You don’t put out fire with fire, except for controlled fires.

Wait a sec…

4. Who’s your buddy?

Firefighters have the right idea here: operate as a single unit to maximize effectiveness and safety. If that group of Crimson Lance soldiers taking aim at your left pupil seems like a daunting task, don’t forget that Borderlands features a seamless 4 player co-op drop-in, drop-out system. No matter which of the four classes you’ve chosen to level up, be it a Hunter, Siren, Soldier, or Berserker, there is a complimenting class for your situation that holds the strategic key to success. If you’d rather bypass the whole strategy idea, don’t forget that a bad guy can’t shoot you while he’s shooting your buddy, not directly anyways. If a mercenary comes running your way after receiving an acid shower, just keep your distance until he’s safe to revive. In the meanwhile, take a few extra shots with your favorite boomstick and finish the job. When you win, all members of your party win, which brings us to the most important item on the Borderlands All-Nighter checklist:

5. Have fun.

No quotes, no funny catchphrases. This is a game after all, so remember that the main reason we’re all here is to have fun. Be kind to your fellow gun toting mercenary, as they may be your only saving grace when you’re bleeding out in the sand. You’d think this would be an obvious idea to keep in mind, but the looting system in Borderlands doesn’t favor the slow or kind gamer. If a rather powerful item drops from an enemy or appears in a chest that catches your eye, courtesy is the best way to obtain it. Don’t flip out if you miss your opportunity for a gun with better stats than your own; there will always be a better gun. Relax, have fun, and aim for the critical shot.

The checklist we’ve covered for the Borderlands All-Nighter encompasses some of the basic etiquette any gamer should employ while online, as well as a few game-specific tips while exploring Pandora. When you’re ready to join in the fun, remember to send us a friend request or simply hop in an ongoing game this weekend. SFX-360.com’s Borderlands All-Nighter will be this Saturday, January 9^th, 2010, from 6pm to 6am EST on Xbox Live.

Hope to see you there!

Leave it to Borderlands to show up fashionably late to the fps party, with its fly down, and still garner the attention of one of the cool kids. 2K Games and Gearbox Software’s role playing shooter Borderlands stood out in 2009 with its tight controls, accessible role-playing elements, and unique style and humor, but was noticeably lacking in end-game content and a competitive co-op mode. The first attempt at making amends with fans of the new IP was The Zombie Island of Dr. Ned, Borderlands’ inaugural set of downloadable content that played like an abridged director’s cut of the original game; nothing new was really added to the mix beyond an extended narrative and zombified re-skinning of existing enemies. The second set of downloadable content, Mad Moxxi’s Underdome Riot, does a much better job of listening to the fans that were already looking for the next flight off of Pandora.

Released on December 29^th 2009 on the Xbox Live Marketplace for 800 Microsoft Points, Mad Moxxi’s Underdome Riot bypasses a progressive storyline in favor of horde-mode style based gameplay where groups of enemies charge from all sides. Mercenaries who were already growing weary of countless runs through the Eridian Promontory on Playthrough 2.5 should be pleased to know that the challenge level has been ratcheted up quite a bit. Beginning with the small tournaments, groups of up to four mercenaries must survive five rounds of five waves of enemies- 25 waves of enemies consisting of many variations of skags, bandits, badasses, and bosses. The larger tournaments consist of 20 rounds of five waves… 100 waves of enemies in a row. Gamers gain access to The Underdome by using the fast travel network, where a centralized lobby will serve as a hub for the three arenas. Hell-Burbia takes its visual cues and layout from the Pandoran town of Old Haven, a multi-leveled urban environment favoring a close-quarters combat style that allows for few mistakes. The Angelic Ruins look very similar to the snowy hills and jutting rock structures of the Eridian Promontory, and you can count on an appearance from the Eridians themselves. The third arena, The Gully, resembles the rocky terrain of Skag Gully and has a few open areas where Pandora’s puppies could easily run you down.

Speaking of puppies, the Underdome is hosted by the titular Mad Moxxi, whose lust for attention is nearly as strong as the lust that otakus will undoubtedly have for her. Beyond her busty appearance, gamers will love Mad Moxxi for the other upgrade she has brought to Borderlands- the storage bank. If you’re looking for just a few more spaces where you could store some legendary weapons or particularly effective class mods, the new upgradable storage bank allows for a total of 42 extra slots to store items. The upgrades can be purchased out of the vending machines in the lobby, where the normal array of weapons/ammo/ med kits can be found as well. Packrats are not the only ones who will be using up nearly every slot in both their backpacks and storage bank, because a twist on the standard horde mode in Mad Moxxi’s Underdome Riot will force gamers to change their arsenal on the fly.

Moxxi’s Maxims are new combat rules announced between waves of enemies that force new strategies to be used to stay alive. Between waves of enemies Moxxi could announce a Shotgun Challenge rule, for example, that adds bonus damage to shotguns and lowers the effectiveness of all other weapon types. Others, such as Dodgeball rule, increases the chance enemies will dodge your attacks, and the Body Shot rule lowers critical hit damage. A favorite rule of mine is the Naked rule, which removes shields and causes even experiences mercenaries to run for cover. Towards the end of the 20 round waves in the larger tournaments up to four of Moxxi’s Maxims begin stacking, making for intense rounds and an absolute blast with friends. Combine the Naked rule described earlier with the Dead Aim rule that increases enemy accuracy, the Spastic rule that causes enemies to move and reload faster, and the Kick Ass rule that enables enemies to deal bonus damage, and every rookie bandit on Pandora can potentially pose a major threat.

Mad Moxxi’s Underdome Riot definitely justifies its 800 Microsoft Point price tag with the new features it brings to Borderlands. The Underdome’s 125 Achievement Points are satisfying to earn albeit time consuming, a pair of skill points can be earned to power up your abilities, and the storage bank allows for more items to be stored for later use. In terms of actual gameplay time, expect to spend at least two hours for each of the three larger tournaments and around the same time for your first venture into the smaller tournament taking place in all three arenas. PlayStation 3 gamers will not have to wait for long to enjoy Mad Moxxi’s Underdome riot, as it will be available for download on PSN January 7^th, 2010 for $10 (a release date has yet been confirmed for PC). While Mad Moxxi’s Underdome Riot does not bring any new weapons into the mix, increase the level cap, or provide a method to transfer items between your characters, it will definitely provide a fun experience for legit Borderlands players. So long as you’re not equipping game-breaking modified weapons, Mad Moxxi’s Underdome Riot can be an intense challenge and is a great step forward for Borderlands that shows Gearbox Software’s commitment to fans.