The Jon Venture

Office DisOrders is an Xbox Live Indie Game released on January 19^th by Moment Games for 80 Microsoft Points. Created by former talents at Maxis, THQ, and Lucas Arts, Office DisOrders is an office simulator birthed out of the frustration of menial tasks in the corporate world. Gamers play as the young intern Jennifer, whose outlook and attitude is declining as she deals with mundane office tasks at Incomputech- making copies, checking email, and trying her best not to quit. Think of the monotony (not the comedic writing) in an episode of television’s The Office played out by blocky characters found in Katamari Damacy and you’ve got the basis of Office DisOrders.

Intended to be a satirical look at the everyday happenings of working at an office, Office DisOrders unfortunately drags on as bad as the daily cubical hell it makes fun of. I can understand how an independent studio wouldn’t have the tools for the latest in graphical rendering software, but I was willing to overlook those shortcomings in an exchange for witty humor or a deeply sarcastic undertone. What I got was pointless banter between characters, an argument involving monkeys (not actual monkeys, which would have helped), and bad imitations of Darth Vader and Dracula. Office DisOrders suffers from dated humor and graphics, even by independent game standards, which is not helped by the gameplay.

Office DisOrders takes place over a five day work week in-game, roughly translating to a just a few hours of actual gameplay. While tasks are being completed, gamers also need to eat, drink, take power naps, and use the restroom in order to keep the stress meter on the right side of the screen from filling up. If you’re wondering, there’s no epic animation when the meter fills up either, just a simple walkout. All office tasks and personal activities are completed through dialogue bubbles and a simple interface, but the game’s slow pacing makes everything feel like a chore. As much as I would love to recommend this game, even for the current price of a wristband for your Xbox Live avatar to wear, Office DisOrders could have used a bit more polish before hitting the marketplace. Maybe someone missed a memo.

There are times in life that extremely difficult, mind numbing choices need to be made. Will you have bacon or sausage with your Smiley Face pancakes? Take the blue pill and end the story, or take the red pill and stay in Wonderland? Do you prefer the beloved Keyboard Cat… or hardcore newcomer Death Metal Rooster?

In an internet meme showdown more epic than the Star Wars Kid facing off against the Technoviking in the back alley of a liquor store, I present to you the following choice:

Keyboard Cat

-OR-

Death Metal Rooster?

The fate of the known universe is in your hands. Justify your choice in a comment below, Keyboard Cat or Death Metal Rooster, and the most convincing argument will win an Xbox Live 1600 Point Card. By convincing, of course, I mean ridiculously funny.

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What, not enough points for you? Fine.

The best original Keyboard Cat VS Death Metal Rooster video submitted to jon@sfx-360.com will also win an Xbox Live 1600 Point Card.

That’s a total of 3200 Xbox Live Microsoft Points awarded to decide the fate of the universe.

Contest ends Monday, January 18^th, 2010 at 5 pm EST.

Keyboard Cat VS Death Metal Rooster is on.

2008’s No More Heroes for the Nintendo Wii was a guilty pleasure. Having never played a game designed by Goichi “Suda 51” Suda before, his tongue-in-cheek humor and social commentary was an incredible foundation for a fun and graphic hack and slash action game on a family console. No More Heores had moderate overall yet lackluster initial sales in both Japan and the US though, possibly because the hardcore crowd had since lost faith in the Wii; when both you and a slew of aging baby boomers are the target audience for a gaming system, the crowd not clutching a branded yoga mat usually falls to the wayside. To everyone who has remained faithful, to all gamers who still support their magic Nintendo box with hopes of an incredible gaming experience, No More Heroes 2: Desperate Struggle will be arriving on January 26, 2010.

No “Desperate Struggle” jab will be taken here at the Nintendo Wii’s software lineup- way too easy.

For the gamers who were unfortunate enough to not play the first NMH, the game stars super otaku Travis Touchdown as he climbs the ranks of the United Assassins Association in Santa Destroy, California. The original game was similar to Tarantino’s Kill Bill film series in its sequenced pacing and outrageous bloody action, and Desperate Struggle looks to follow the same formula again in Santa Destroy while also adding Kill Bill’s theme of revenge. If that wasn’t enough to get you dusting off your Wii, then Travis’ beam katanas will. In addition to the standard beam katana from the first title and a yet unannounced variant, Travis will also be dual wielding beam katanas and swinging a Giant Beam Katana for longer range slashes. No, they’re not the trademarked lightsabers you’re thinking of. Lightsabers run on crystals, while beam katanas run on batteries and are much more satisfying to charge… and I just realized that series of references is probably why I had so much time to play the first No More Heroes in the first place. I think I just had a FML moment.

If Travis Touchdown’s sword slashing and exploder suplex antics still aren’t enough for you, then you might be interested in the other two characters playable in Desperate Struggle: Henry and Shinobu. Travis’ twin brother Henry returns from the first NMH, this time as a playable character, to continue their rivalry storyline which had not concluded during their last bout. Scarlet “Shinobu” Jacobs, the youngest assassin in the UAA, returns to Desperate Struggle as well after being spared by Travis the last time around. Spared, but wounded; Shinobu’s hand, which had been sliced off, now dons a black glove similar to Luke Skywalker’s from Episodes V and VI. Though both Henry and Shinobu are not playable at all times during the new game, their sequences offer a welcome change to the lineup and potential to expand the storyline from other assassins making their way up the ranks of the UAA. By the way, I know I threw in another Star Wars reference back there. Please be gentle.

New weapons, new playable characters, improved physics and enemy A.I., and an overhauled control scheme for Travis’ bike will all be included in No More Heroes 2: Desperate Struggle. Add those features to a refined game world and new fully 8-bit sidequests and all the components for a successful release are in place. Considering that the majority of gamers I know no longer own a Nintendo Wii, Desperate Struggle will validate my decision to keep from trading the system in last year after the release of New Super Mario Bros. Wii. Desperate Struggle will receive renewed attention after the port of the first game in the series (to be titled No More Heroes: Heroes’ Paradise on the Xbox 360 and PS3) is released in February, but hopefully the full-fledged sequel will garner enough sales to keep the city of Santa Destroy alive and well in the mind of Suda 51. Alive as it can be, for a city full of cell shaded sex crazed assassins with beam katanas. The Wii will have at least one more hero this year when No More Heroes 2: Desperate Struggle is released on January 26, 2010.

WARNING: This trailer contains explicit content and is not suitable for anyone under 18. Definitely going to watch it now, right? Still, you’ve been warned.

On Saturday, January 9, 2010, SFX-360.com will be hosting yet another All-Nighter gaming event on Xbox Live, this time taking place in the role-playing shooter Borderlands. 2K Games and Gearbox Software has melded together the fast-paced action found in a marquee first person shooter with the progressive growth and addictive looting of an RPG to create one of the best new games in recent memory, and a favorite among the SFX-360.com community and staff members.

In Borderlands, gamers play as one of four mercenaries in search of the legendary Vault, where vast riches supposedly wait for those brave enough to find it. Since the initial release of Borderlands in October 2009, two sets of downloadable content have also been released: The Zombie Island of Dr. Ned and Mad Moxxi’s Underdome Riot. Zombie Island brings together the humor and style of the core Borderlands experience back from the dead as the questionable practices of a doctor corrupt an entire island full of workers for the Jakobs weapon manufacturing company. Mad Moxxi’s Underdome Riot introduces more storage spaces and a brand new horde mode to Borderlands, as progressive waves of enemies and constantly changing combat rules beat down on gamers.

Sound like a fun time to you?

If your answer is “Yes, I would love to become a moving scratching post for blood thirsty bandits and monsters!”, then you have serious issues to be resolved. You’re also exactly what we’re looking for in a mercenary- slightly mad and trigger happy. If this will be your first venture into Borderlands, you might be hesitant to jump to the frontlines. No worries, as we’ve compiled some tips for novice Vault hunters:

1. Don’t forget your undies.

Basic rule for every game, but you’d be surprised how many would-be adventurers forget the simplest of things. Make sure you have enough ammunition and recovery items in your inventory each session, as you will become a paperweight if you can’t take down enemies with the rest of your party. Certain class mods in Borderlands provide ammo and health regeneration, so make sure you have one just in case. Shields can also provide health regeneration in addition to their extra defensive bonus. Going commando may help in certain situations, but Borderlands isn’t one of them.

2. That’s not a knife. This is a knife.

Don’t forget your weapons in the first place. In general, carrying one of each weapon type is recommended as different situations favor the use of different weapons. It doesn’t matter if your weapon proficiency in sub-machine guns is at zero; a Combustion Hellfire has saved many a struggling party. In the second dlc for Borderlands, Mad Moxxi’s Underdome Riot, Moxxi’s Maxims in between waves make certain weapons less effective than others, so I recommend keeping that combat rifle in your backpack even if it is still in the shrink wrap. Also, mistaking someone as a thief when you actually left your favorite corrosive shotgun in your storage bank disrupts the game. Don’t be rude and get yourself shown up, or simply kicked.

3. Paper, Rock, Scissors, Lizard, Spock.

You’ve known the rules since grade school, and the same concepts apply in Borderlands. There are four elemental weapon types aside from standard bullet damage from guns: fire, electric, corrosive, and explosive. Fire is effective against enemies without shields, primarily skags and bandits. Electric weapons are effective in removing enemies’ shields quickly, as with the Eridian alien race. Corrosive weapons work great against baddies with heavy armor, including the Crimson Lance soldiers, Alpha Skags, and a majority of the Spiderants. Explosive weapons are effective against enemies in groups, as the splash damage from an explosion can cause damage to other targets besides the one you aimed at. Also, if you see an enemy charging at you that is already on fire, your fire weapons will actually be ticking him. You don’t put out fire with fire, except for controlled fires.

Wait a sec…

4. Who’s your buddy?

Firefighters have the right idea here: operate as a single unit to maximize effectiveness and safety. If that group of Crimson Lance soldiers taking aim at your left pupil seems like a daunting task, don’t forget that Borderlands features a seamless 4 player co-op drop-in, drop-out system. No matter which of the four classes you’ve chosen to level up, be it a Hunter, Siren, Soldier, or Berserker, there is a complimenting class for your situation that holds the strategic key to success. If you’d rather bypass the whole strategy idea, don’t forget that a bad guy can’t shoot you while he’s shooting your buddy, not directly anyways. If a mercenary comes running your way after receiving an acid shower, just keep your distance until he’s safe to revive. In the meanwhile, take a few extra shots with your favorite boomstick and finish the job. When you win, all members of your party win, which brings us to the most important item on the Borderlands All-Nighter checklist:

5. Have fun.

No quotes, no funny catchphrases. This is a game after all, so remember that the main reason we’re all here is to have fun. Be kind to your fellow gun toting mercenary, as they may be your only saving grace when you’re bleeding out in the sand. You’d think this would be an obvious idea to keep in mind, but the looting system in Borderlands doesn’t favor the slow or kind gamer. If a rather powerful item drops from an enemy or appears in a chest that catches your eye, courtesy is the best way to obtain it. Don’t flip out if you miss your opportunity for a gun with better stats than your own; there will always be a better gun. Relax, have fun, and aim for the critical shot.

The checklist we’ve covered for the Borderlands All-Nighter encompasses some of the basic etiquette any gamer should employ while online, as well as a few game-specific tips while exploring Pandora. When you’re ready to join in the fun, remember to send us a friend request or simply hop in an ongoing game this weekend. SFX-360.com’s Borderlands All-Nighter will be this Saturday, January 9^th, 2010, from 6pm to 6am EST on Xbox Live.

Hope to see you there!