The Jon Venture

Look, Wii. I know I told you last time we broke up was the last time we’d be together, but you tugged at my heartstrings. Rather than letting me go, letting me have my fun with other platforms, you throw a holy hand grenade of nostalgia and release Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Smash-Up. You know my weakness for TMNT, you vile white box, so you had to go on and tout how you had Ubisoft, Super Smash Bros. Brawl co-developers Game Arts, and former members of Team Ninja all involved in the project. That’s not fair. If I hear the words “Team” and “Ninja” in a single combined utterance in that specific order, there’s a certain high level of quality I’m expecting. So I spent some time with you last night, after I told myself I would never pick you up again for anything less that a new online multiplayer Star Fox title filled with aerial dog fighting and devoid of friend codes. This, my dear Wii, was a clever ploy to get us back together for one night. We played this fighting game earlier this year at E3, and I was actually looking forward to a few rounds with you upon TMNT: Smash-Up’s release had you tightened things up a bit. You let me down, Wii, you let me down.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Smash-Up was your attempt to cash in on the memories I have of the classic 80’s franchise by loosely fitting it on a Super Smash Bros. frame. You know the story just as I do: four turtles washed away in the sewer, were covered in retromutagen ooze, and trained as ninja by their anthropomorphic sensei and father figure Splinter. The Ninja Turtles were the greatest heroes in New York since Spider Man. Not the whiny emo Tobey McGuire Spidey, but the wise cracking @#$ kicking hero the world has loved for years. So there’s a lot I’m expecting out of what could very well be a Ninja Turtles/Smash Bros. crossover that would rip a hole in the fabric of time itself and send millions of fans spiraling into pure gaming nirvana. Then I actually played the game, and things turned ugly. Rabid Chihuahua ugly. Oh, and don’t get me started on the Rabbids, I’ll get back to them later.

After the first few rounds of TMNT: Smash-Up, I understand where you’re coming from Wii. You have good intentions. The 16 characters in the roster were responsive though they didn’t have the same snap as anyone in the SSBB lineup. The four brothers are present, as were their human sidekicks and Splinter, but many of the characters I was hoping to see weren’t accounted for. You gave me recent characters that populated the 2003 cartoon series and I was hoping for throwbacks like Usagi Yojimbo, Groundchuck, and Panda Khan that populated my childhood toy box. None of them were there, but I forgave you. I was hoping you’d make it up to me with some serious flashy moves, but I was left wanting more. There wasn’t an “Ahhh” factor when I threw my sword (spinning, by the way) as Leonardo only to have it come back. You want a response out of me? Send me over the top like you did with Samus’ Final Smash attack; that @#$% was incredible the first time I saw it.

I know it’s unfair to keep comparing last night to all the fun we had with Smash Bros. Brawl, but you deserve it for the high expectations you set with components from two incredible franchises. The marketing supervisors behind TMNT: Smash-Up knew exactly what they were doing by putting “Smash” in the title of a Wii fighting game: pushing units. That’s also probably why an iteration of the classic TMNT logo was used rather that the more recent logo with lots of sharp edges. I’m aware that the game was also released on the PlayStation 2, but that ship sailed so that you could come into my life, Wii. No more games. There isn’t nearly as much content as I was hoping for from TMNT: Smash-Up. The game’s roster is disappointing when the Ubisoft Rabbids are the highlights and the toughest opponent is actually a giant alligator that serves as an environmental hazard. The “magical” items thrown in with standard ninja fare cannot make up for the awesome chaos that Pokemon and Assist Trophies bring to the table in SSBB. And while the graphics are polished clean with plenty of Turtle Wax, there’s just not enough substance to keep my attention for more than a few plays of the single or multiplayer modes.

Know what it all boils down to? During the time you and I spent playing TMNT: Smash- Up last night, I simply kept asking myself “Why don’t I just play Smash Bros.?” I had no solid answer, Wii, and that’s why once again we must part ways.